Where Our Expectations of Love Come From

Marrying for love is a relatively recent idea. Until around 1100 AD in Europe, marriages everywhere were arranged based on political and financial alliances. It is a practice that still holds true for much of the world today. By the late 1500s, the idea of marrying for love had taken hold, inspiring Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Marriage became a decision made between husband and wife, and Shakespeare explored both the ecstasy of passion and the devastating consequences of passion left unbalanced by realistic perspective.

What blinded his young lovers to the perspective that could have saved their lives and their marriage? Their unrealistic expectations. Those expectations swept them off their feet at the start and carried them to a tragic end. What was true in Shakespeare's time still holds true today: when we let our expectations of love run our romance, we stop seeing our partner, or the marriage itself, clearly. Unrealistic expectations don't strengthen a relationship. They quietly poison it.

Why Lower Expectations Lead to Stronger Marriages

Statistically, arranged marriages experience lower divorce rates than marriages based on love. The reason isn't that arranged couples love each other less — it's that they enter the relationship with lower expectations of their partner, and therefore experience less disappointment. They understand from day one that if the marriage is going to work, they have to accept responsibility for creating harmony with this near-stranger beside them. They don't have the luxury of relying on love alone to carry them through, so they make decisions based on what's good for the relationship.

The same is true for you. If your marriage is going to thrive, you and your partner both need to start basing decisions on what's good for the relationship — not just on what's good for each of you individually.

With divorce rates in this country nearing 50%, I see one culprit more than any other: unrealistic expectations. We often hope marriage, and our spouse, will rescue us from loneliness and isolation, that love will conquer all. I can tell you honestly: it won't. Marriage isn't a cure for loneliness. Under the wrong circumstances, two can be a lonelier number than one.

How I Help Couples Repair and Strengthen Their Relationship

There's a lot you can do to improve your odds. First and foremost: lower your expectations of what your marriage and your partner are supposed to do for you. A healthy relationship is something you create through active participation; it isn't bestowed on you passively. When you make decisions based on what's good for the relationship, you help it grow. Think of your marriage as a living thing in your care, whose health depends on your attention, not as something meant to serve you. That mindset drains the vibrancy right out of love and leaves you sitting in disappointment instead.

A strong marriage asks us to become loving stewards of the relationship itself. When we do, we get to enjoy everything a growing, healthy, deeply loving partnership has to offer. Rather than focusing on what you expect to receive from your partner, consider what you can contribute; that's what let’s love do its real work.

Too often, couples wait far too long before seeking help, allowing small resentments and communication breakdowns to build into a crisis where things are said and done that can't be taken back. Working with a licensed marriage and family therapist can help you and your partner learn to communicate in a way where you truly hear and understand each other — building the kind of trust, closeness, and intimacy that gets lost along the way.

About Dr. Walton

I'm Dr. James E. Walton, Ph.D., a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, specializing in couples counseling, along with a private psychotherapy practice for individuals. With over 35 years of experience helping people communicate better, my approach is designed to help you and your partner stop the anger, the attacking, and the withdrawing, and open up to a better way of being together.

If you and your partner want to improve your relationship and rebuild closeness but keep running into the same communication struggles, individual and marital therapy can help you get there — and if you're preparing for marriage rather than repairing one already underway, my premarital counseling work may be a better fit.

There is help available. Reach out today to start communicating better and recapture the closeness you and your partner are looking for.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do we know if we need marriage counseling? If you and your partner are stuck in the same arguments, feeling more like roommates than partners, or noticing resentment building faster than you can resolve it, marriage counseling can help. You don't need to be in crisis — many couples come in simply wanting to reconnect and communicate better before small issues become bigger ones.

What happens in a first marriage counseling session? Your first session is about understanding where you both are right now — what's working, what isn't, and what each of you is hoping to get out of counseling. I'll ask questions to understand your relationship's history and current patterns, and we'll begin shaping a direction together from there.

How long does marriage counseling usually take? It depends on what you're working through. Some couples come in for a focused issue and see real movement in a matter of months; others continue longer-term as they rebuild deeper trust and connection. We'll check in on progress regularly so the process always feels purposeful.

What's the difference between marriage counseling and premarital counseling? Marriage counseling is for couples already married who are working to repair or strengthen their relationship. Premarital counseling is for couples preparing to marry, focused on building a strong foundation before the wedding. I offer both, so we can find the right fit for where you are.

Do you offer online marriage counseling? Yes. I see couples both in person and online, so you can choose whichever format works best for your schedule.

Is what we share in session confidential? Yes. Confidentiality is a core part of the therapeutic relationship, with the standard legal and ethical exceptions that apply to all licensed therapists. I'm happy to walk you through exactly what that means for you and your partner during your first session.

How much does marriage counseling cost, and do you accept insurance? My fee is $250 per session. I don't accept insurance directly, but I provide signed forms (superbills) that many clients use to seek reimbursement for out-of-network mental health benefits. I'd recommend checking with your provider about your out-of-network coverage before we begin.

What if only one of us wants to go to counseling? That's more common than you'd think, and it's still worth reaching out. Sometimes one partner starting the process — whether alone or together — is enough to shift the dynamic and open the door for both of you to engage more fully over time.

What if we're not sure whether we want to stay together? If you and your partner are genuinely unsure whether the relationship is worth working on, Discernment Counseling may be a better starting point than traditional marriage counseling. It's a short-term process designed specifically to help you both gain clarity before deciding which direction to take.

How is your approach different from other marriage counselors? I take an active role in session rather than sitting back quietly, offering real feedback and practical tools rather than just reflective listening. With over 35 years of experience, my focus is on helping you and your partner build the kind of decisions-based-on-the-relationship mindset that actually leads to lasting change, not just temporary peace.

Schedule a Free Consultation

The goal of Relationship Repair Therapy is simple: help you and your partner feel like a team again. Call today to schedule a free office consultation and get started in the right direction.

Call today to set up a free consultation for more information on
Relationship Repair Counseling in Los Angeles
Call 818-753-4865

Clinical Member, California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

___________________________________________________________________________________________

5