The Art of Assertive Communication: Expressing Anger Calmly

Anger is a natural emotion, but how we express it matters. When we can verbalize our angry feelings in a calm and controlled manner, we promote healthy communication. Here are four steps to assert your feelings effectively, rather than exploding with anger:

1.     Describe the Offending Behavior: Imagine describing the situation as if capturing it in a photograph. Be specific and objective. For instance, “When I find the knapsack on the table…”

2.     Express Your Feelings: Share how the behavior makes you feel. Use “I” statements to avoid blame. For example, “I become angry because it leaves me no place to put my work down.”

3.     Explain the Effects: Describe how the behavior impacts you. Be honest and direct. “It frustrates me because…”

4.     Request an Alternative: Suggest a different behavior you’d prefer. Make it a positive request. “Would you please place the knapsack in your bedroom instead?”

By following these steps, you invite the listener to be part of the solution. Confronting with control allows for better communication. Uncontrolled anger disrupts dialogue, but speaking calmly helps others truly hear your feelings.

Remember, assertiveness doesn’t mean suppressing anger—it means expressing it constructively.

Dr. James E. Walton, Ph.D.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT32040)
Individual/Couples Counseling
Relationship Repair Counseling
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818-753-4865
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